intermission

I love you more than I can handle
I need you more than I can bare
I have given you all that I can give
I have completely fallen for you
For the first time EVER
I am not afraid of reaching the bottom
Finally,
I believe..
Finally,
I trust..
Finally,
I know that I never will
………………………..

hello my friends,
I have many un-finished posts about my story..
I have come to the conclusion, that in order to proceed with it, I need a break for a while. Plz don’t kill me for not posting part six, its just that I can’t get into the mood I was in be4.. rest assured, I WILL post the rest of my story up till now, but not in this post, not right now.. I hope u understand..

………………………………………………………………

Well, I am finally in London (once again) .. the number of Abaya’s has gone down (thank God) plz don’t start a religious argument because that is NOT what I mean, I’m not talking about people covering up for religious reasons, I’m talking about the Arab bimbos who go around walking in black cloths trying to pick up men (sickening).. They invade the UK every July up to August, but they have gone down in numbers this time.. I just HATE them!!! Augh!!!

Back to the point! My beloved is coming to London in a few days I am soooo excited!!! I have a few things I need and I mean NEED to do be4 he comes I wont go into details but lets just say it involves eye brows, upper lip, legs etc etc.. u know the painful stuff girls go through and men don’t appreciate :-p

Oh I almost forgot the tanning bed! I neeeeed a tan!!!!

Other than preparing myself, I need to prepare his apartment, well I don’t NEED to I want to ☺

So I was thinking:
*flowers
*groceries
*toiletries
*a new picture of me in a frame next to his bed :-p
*a few home accessories..

u know, I just want the apartment to look a bit different when he comes, new somehow! And fresh,, yes fresh! (if u have any ideas plz feel free to share) especially if ur a guy, plz tell me what u would love ur girlfriend to surprise u with.. and be4 u ask, I have the keys to his place, and no he doesn’t mind me playing around with the place, he enjoys it when I do that.. so plz leave ur suggestions..

maybe I’ll have this playing in the background when he comes in :-p

“Baby tonight is just your night 
And I will do you right 
Just make a wish on your night
 Anything that you ask 
I will give you the love of your life.” Boyz II Men

………………………………………………………………

I really don’t want to jinx this. but this is the best time of my life (mashallah mashallah) after a few years, a relationship may begin to seem (boring) but now as our seventh anniversary is approaching, seems we are doing pretty good.. I hope it stays this way,, its been so long since I have felt butterflies in my tummy when I hear his voice! Oh I just LOVE him!!! Ok ok enough..
……………………………………………………………..

ok then people, I need to prepare a shopping list, so please leave ALL ur suggestions.. I only have a few days to prepare..


thank u all in advance ☺
much obliged mate <---as they would say in the GREAT UK!

An Insight (part Five) [click for part 4]

John Sheffield once said “'Tis the most tender part of love, each other to forgive.”
………………………………………………………………

He has given me a gift
Greater than the world
Greater than his pride
Greater than my sins

He has given me a book
I lost long ago
Pages of happiness
Written on dusty cards
On a birthday
Once upon a time

He has given me an oath
Forever to remain
The boy I fell in love with
In Paris
…………………………..

I will not lie
Nor will I claim
That smiles where all
That filled our days

The rain came
From time to time
Black thunderstorms
May have passed us by
But in the end
They passed

And day by day
The guilt
The fear
The jealousy
The black of it all
Was being washed away
By the rain
……………………………
He held my hand
The way he used to
He kissed my forehead
That has missed him so

A love once neglected
Has also forgiven us both
We vowed never to lie again
……………………………….

[A change of weather?!]

A QUOTE:
...............

Truly, to tell lies is not honorable;
but when the truth entails tremendous ruin,
To speak dishonorably is pardonable.
Sophocles, Creusa
Greek tragic dramatist (496 BC - 406 BC)
……………………………………………………

A QUESTION:
....................

Is lying addictive?
Or is FAZ?!!!!


more to come..

An Insight (part four) [click here for part 3 &1/2]

Hello everyone!!!

I am very sorry for pulling the disappearance act on all of u.. but I am BACK! I hope u have not given up on my blog.. this one is for Alice! Who reminded me that laziness was not an excuse..

Without further ado, PART FOUR.
………………………………………………………………………

“It's choice - not chance - that determines your destiny.”
Jean Nidetch
………………………………………………………………….
‘D’ FINDS OUT:
…………………
He knows..
I feel it
My friends warned me..
I knew this would happen..

He asks me: “are you hiding something?”
Me: “no!”
Him: “you can tell me anything you know!”
Me: “I know! There is nothing to tell”

I’m scared..
I tell FAZ not to call..
I tell him to wait for MY call..
……………………………….
From a previous post:

‘I Lied
I'm not quite sure if it was to save ur feelings
or mine..
It doesn’t matter. I Lied!’
………………….......
He tells me to trust him
I do
I decide to tell him
Who I really am
What I really did
I decide to tell him the truth..

He is quiet
He drops the phone
I call back
Again
Again
And again
No answer
No response

I call his best friend
He tells me he is driving ‘D’ home
He doesn’t know what’s wrong!
He doesn’t know y ‘D’ is in shock..

Instantly, I wish I hadn’t said anything at all!!

I call him all night
I can’t believe I’m loosing him!
I can’t bare the thought of loosing
The boy I fell in love with
In Paris!
…………………………………..
ME:
‘A hole in my heart
Where you used to be
Don’t leave so fast
It’s killing me

Please understand!
You said that you could
Don’t pull away your hand
You said you never would!

I was broken
I was weak
This pain is too much
This loss is too great
I can barely speak

Mend me please
This pain HE cannot ease!
It is you that I need!
It is you that I want!
It is you that I lost!

I’m sorry!’
………………………………….
HIM:
‘My angel has sinned!
How am I to believe again?
My angel has sinned!
How r the stars to shine again?
My angel has sinned!
How am I to believe?
Tell me my ‘angel’
How am I to believe?’
………………………………….
ME:
‘Forgive me this time..
I am only a girl
I needed love
I needed a friend
I needed a boyfriend
I needed a hand to protect mine
I just needed..
The boy I fell in love with
In Paris’
………………………………….
Little streams
Burning my cheeks
Great balls of fire
Inside of me
Melting me
Bit by bit
Destroying me

A need for you
I almost forgot
A love so strong
A love u taught
U were so gentle
Now u r rough
U were so sweet
U were so kind
Now u r always
Preoccupied..
…………………………………
He looks at me
Long and hard
Into my eyes
As if looking for something he lost
My heart trembles
My hand reaches out to his face
He turns away
He walks away
I break down
I cry
Head in my hands
Shaking
Just a little broken girl..
Alone.. once again..

He cries out!
He screams
From a distance
His voice pulls me up
I run outside

He is on the floor
I do not step closer
I am too afraid
He screams again
His words barely comprehendible
“WHYYYYYYYYY?”

He turns around
His face flushed
Wet with tears!
He is crying
He is just a boy
Once again..

He comes closer
And asks again
Only this time
He is whispering

Him: ‘why?’
Me: ‘I am sorry’
Him: ‘why did I do this to you?.. my angel.. my love.. why did I push u away?’
Me: in shock,, not a word!

Holding my hands, he kisses them,, he says HE is sorry.. he says He was wrong.. he says he didn’t appreciate me.. the way an angel should be appreciated!

Him: ‘I will change, I am only a boy, in love, with a girl.. I did not know how to treat, I do not deserve u! u have been there for me all the way,, I do not deserve u.. I will ask u this.. if u refuse, I will NEVER be whole again..
WILL U TAKE ME BACK?’
Me: ‘I would give the world away, if u would have ME back!’

He places his head in my lap..
We weep!
…………………………………

As this part was longer than I expected.. I will continue tomorrow.. this happened last year.. It is still hard to write about.. please leave ur comments and be as honest as u can.. I would like to improve my weaknesses.. this is as much for me, as it is for u..

thank you all :)

An Insight (part three and 1/2) [click for part 3]

Hello my friends.

In response to your comments I will not post part FOUR just yet. It is still in the making, but I have decided, that a few lines describing three years is unjust. So in this post, I will speak about the ‘lost years’.. I hope that u will enjoy this. And more importantly PLEASE do NOT judge me. I have received the punishments for the bad I have done.. TRUST ME..
…………………………………………………………
The Lost Years:
……………….

‘D’
….
I hold his hand
I shed a tear
I start to talk
He does not hear

I need some love
I need some love
I beg I beg
For just some love

He turns to me
Looks into my eyes
Gives me a kiss
Then leaves..
Back to the guys!

I search and search
For the boy in Paris
Whom I loved

I miss him so…..
………………….

I cry
Inside.. I die..
He does not care..
Anymore..
………………….

‘FAZ’
……..
I turn to him
He knows I’m broken
He knows I bleed
He knows how hard
It is to need..

He holds my hand
He wipes my tears
He tells me no one
Is worth my tears!
He tells me no one
Is worth the fears!
He tells me he will ALWAYS be
No matter what
There for me..

I say I’m sorry
For all the times
He tried to reach me
When I was blind

I promises.. I will never do that to u again..
…………………………………………….

‘D’: “why do u not care anymore?”
Me: “It is u who does not care!”
‘D’: “I have always loved u, u know that!”
Me: “Actually, I don’t”
‘D’: “I am sorry my love.. u feel this way.. I love u.. I’m sorry.. that’s all I can say”
Me: “Promise me u will not leave anymore..
Promise me u will not break me anymore..
My heart will not always be mended”

He cries
I cry
We promise to be together ALWAYS..
……………………………………………….

‘FAZ’
………
I tell him I do not deserve someone like him
I tell him I am a bad person
I pray to God he will find a better person..

He does not argue
I do not give him a reason
He understands
He moves away
But tells me
He will always be there!
……………………………………………….
……………………………………………….
Getting To Know ‘D’ and ‘FAZ’:
…………………………………..
‘D’:
……
A hard working (boy)
With a hard life
His parents have always favored his brother over him
His mother says he will fail
His father says.. Nothing to him!

He cries..
They do not know!
He tries..
He does not show!

He wants to love
He wants to be loved
He wants to be rich
He wants to be a doctor
He wants to buy a car
He wants to be strong
He wants to get his degree
He asks nothing of no one
And no one can see..
…………………………….

‘FAZ’:
………
A (man) who has it easy
A man with all he needs
Money
Cars
And a loving family

He does not cry
He does not try
[He does not need to]

He wants to have fun
He wants a new car
He wants to speak English
He wants to go shopping in Milan
He asks nothing of no one
[He does not need to]
……………………………….
……………………………….

ME:
……
(from a previous post)

‘Through the pain I smile

Only for your eyes

Only for you..

The one who causes the pain’
………………………………………….
I do not feel the need for FAZ when ‘D’ is on my side..
When I am alone, I run to FAZ and hide..

He heals my pain..
With his careless life
He tells me not to worry
There is no need to worry

He says I am an angel
He says I am a dream

He says that no one (D)
Is really who they seem

He says I am worth more
He says I am unique
His words I adore
They make me believe!
………………………………….
I am horrible to FAZ sometimes..
But..
He is ALWAYS there!
…………………………………..

I hope this gives you a clearer picture of how I was living a double life..
It is a terrible thing to do by the way..
In the end,, I hurt FAZ, I hurt ‘D’..
And I have ALWAYS been hurting myself..
………………………………………………………………

An Insight (part three) [click for part 2]

"We desire nothing so much as what we ought not to have."

Publilius Syrus
(~100 BC)
…………………………………………………………………………………………………

A CONTINUATION:
…………………………..

We walk out of sight
We ‘hide’
He tells me his name is FAZ
I tell him my name
He gives me his number
I tell him I might not call
He tells me to keep it incase I change my mind..


We part
I don’t call
I don’t see him again
I go back to Saudi
I have to go to school!
…………………………………..

IN NEED FOR MY FRIENDS:
……………………………………….
I tell them he is cold.
They tell me our story is just..
Too old!
But I love him..
They say it is not true..
The say he is a custom
I have become used to..

I disagree
I will not give up..
On love..
I will not give up..
On ‘D’


My friends and I go out for ‘coffee’
(In Riyadh this means, we go to a coffee shop on Tahleya street, wait in the car.. while the waiter brings our orders to us.. then we drive around)

‘Coffee Time’ it is!
……………………………..

A TIME OF COINCIDENCE:
…………………………….

As is the custom in Riyadh.. boys’ cars wait by girls’ cars,, and they stare at each other..
If there is a ‘click’ (I’m still not sure what these clicks r based on in Saudi)
He may hold up his number
She stores it on her phone
They have a ‘phone relationship’.

Now these types of relationships are what me and ‘D’ always laughed about..
We knew a couple who had been ‘together’ for a whole year before they even knew what their partners looked like..
‘D’ thought that was absurd..
I agreed..
At the time!
………………..

We check out the boys
They check us out too!

‘Y does that guy have a stick up his ass?’ asks my friend
‘What guy?’ I say
‘The one in the black car’ she says

I look over..
THE NOSE!

I scream,
I jump,
I explain to my friend..

FAZ simply looks over and disappears
I’m disappointed

Maybe he didn’t recognize me…
Maybe he just didn’t care!

I part with my friends..
I’m on my way home..
I’m being WATCHED!
I look over, its him..
He is ‘following my car’!!!!

I get home, he leaves..
That’s it!

Eventually, this became a daily routine,,
He follows my car everyday from school..
But.. NOTHING..
…………………..
FEELING LONELY:
……………………….

‘D’ is always busy.
When he’s not
He is not in the mood
I tried
Lord knows I tried
He won’t change
I can’t change him..

I look for FAZ’s number desperately..
I can’t find it!
DAMN IT!!!!
…………….

The next day
He follows my car again
I pluck the courage to ask him
(Using sign language of course)
‘o ba3deen?’ (Now what?)
He laughs..
He looks down and scribbles
He holds up a piece of paper
With his number on it!

‘Am I going to become one of THOSE girls?
How else am I going to talk to him?
Maybe I shouldn’t talk to him!
But ‘D’ is being a complete JERK!’

I decide.
Tonight, I will call!
……………………

beeep.... beeeeep… beeeep..
bee…… ‘ALOO’
ok not the type of voice I was expecting!
But what the hell..
Just because he LOOKS manly
Doesn’t mean he has to SOUND manly

Me: ‘Aloo’
Him: ‘a5eeeeran!’ (Finally!)

We speak for a while..
He doesn’t really speak any English
He’s 4 years older than ‘D’
He comes from a very conservative family
He is NEW..
Not ‘D’
Not like me..
Just different..
……………………..

QUICK OVERVIEW (the next 3 years):
………………………………………….

FAZ is a friend
FAZ is a boyfriend
FAZ is a brother
FAZ is a best-friend
FAZ knows about ‘D’
‘D’ does not know about FAZ

Perdu and ‘D’ fight
Perdu calls FAZ
‘D’ says he’s sorry
Perdu tells FAZ she’s sorry
But they can not talk anymore
(the above takes place at least 5 times a year)

Perdu fights with ‘D’
FAZ is ALWAYS there!
………………………….

A few notes:

*FAZ is not an angel
*’D’ was very young at the time
*Perdu …. Very confused!
*FAZ thinks Perdu is an angel.. (he did then at least)
*Perdu thinks FAZ is an angel.. (I did then at least)
*Perdu lives a double life: .the perfect little conservative Saudi girl with FAZ.
.just herself with ‘D’.
*’D’ is in the dark!
……………………………………………

COMING UP:
*’D’ finds out
*FAZ disappears
*Life is great!
*Perdu complicates EVERYTHING.. once again..
stay tuned..
…………………………………………….

TO BE CONTINUED!

An Insight (part two) [click for part 1]

**WARNING** long post!

Let me start this with a quote

“We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.”
Lynn Hall, Where Have All the Tigers Gone?, 1989
…………………………………………………………………………………..

First of all, I would like to make clear one point, as I was half asleep when I wrote the previous post. I realized I did not mention that “D” and I are still together. I just meant that the problems began towards the end of our second year together.

Now, lets check my poetry at the time. It gives me a clearer picture of what I was feeling.

“How I long for a time,
Where love was within..
Fighting to be set free..

How terrible is this time..
Where we are fighting..
To ignite love within..

Without success..
We fail..
Without shame..
We have forgotten how to love”

“GROWING APART”:
………………..............

Normally
You wake up..
Normally
You wash and dress
Normally
You go to school
Normally
You eat
You study
You sleep
Normally..

The routine has drowned the love..
Love has become, Normal..
How dangerous!
………………...

He said he would marry me.
How happy was I..
He said love would help us..
Look the world in the eye..

He said, he believed,
I heard, I believed..
How childish were our dreams..
How innocent was our love..

How tragic was the death of innocence
Maturity had blood on its hands!

………………….

Him “I am not ready for marriage”
Me “Nor I”
Him “Give me more time”
Me “You may have all the time you need”

It was too cold
Too too cold to bare

I needed warmth
Any warmth
I needed too feel…..
Wanted!
……………………

FEELING ‘WANTED’ AGAIN:
………………………………….

‘Who is that man?
He is older than my love..
He is not as handsome..
Yet he seems.. wiser..
He seems.. stronger..
I shouldn’t stare!’

I look away..
I try to occupy my thoughts
With something other than.. his nose!

‘Its quite.. umm.. BIG!
But manly..
I think I like it..
My friends would make fun of it..
But I think,, he’s kind of cute’

Aaaaaaugh,, STOP STARING!
Wait a minute..
He stares back.
He’s smiling..

‘What should I do?
I can’t believe I just said that..
I should look away of course!
I already have a man.. Who loves me’

I give him a call to reassure myself

Me: ‘hey, habeeby’
Him; ‘hey’
Me: ‘I miss you’
Him: ‘aha?’
Me: ‘oookay!’
Him: ‘TYPICAL! Now your going to get pissed off cuz I didn’t say I miss you too!’
Me: ‘chill! I don’t care if u don’t reply’
Him: ‘are there any guys in the coffee shop?’
Me: ‘umm YEAH! I’m not in Saudi you know’
Him; ‘are you wearing that stupid short skirt of yours that you LOVE?’
Me: ‘1-it’s not stupid
2- no I’m not, what’s wrong with you?’
Him: ‘I don’t understand why you go looking for a place packed with guys and decide to sit there trying to grab their attention!’
Me: ‘okay, I really don’t understand what your going on about, I’m NOT trying to grab anyone’s attention. I’m just having a cup of coffee with friends, and I just called to say I miss you’
Him: ‘whatever! I’m in the middle of something I’ll call you back’
Me: ‘ok then, love you!’
Him: ‘okay bye!’
………………………….

I feel sad..
I feel down..
A tear drops from me eye..
I look down so no one can see..
It tickles the tip of my nose..
I remember ‘the nose’
I look up..
He is gone!

…………………………..

Many fights with D..
Many unreturned calls..
Many ignored text messages..
Much lost time..
Much lost love..
Much too much!!

I go shopping..
(typical female behavior)

I walk into the men’s section, which will take me to that little coffee shop which no one likes.. but me..

I STOP!
I CRASH.. INTO AN IMAGINARY WALL!
MY LEGS..
MY HEART..
MY FACE!! It’s flushed!

There he is!! ‘HIDE!’

‘Wait a minute? Why should I hide?
What do I care?
Walk by, casually..
Don’t trip! Don’t trip!
OH! Suck the belly in..
One step.. two step..
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Just walk! U’ve been able to do it all by yourself since you were 2!’

‘What is he buying?!
Is that Gucci?
Haahaa ‘D’ would make so much fun of him..
He’d run straight to the T-shirts.. cute.. (smile)

Well,, to be fare, the suit looks kind of.. umm.. sexy..
I mean manly manly!
OH SHIT!
He saw me! Do something….

*clearing throat* excuse me sir! (to the salesman)
do u have these in a size 38?
Salesman ‘they are MEN’s shoes miss!’
I KNOW THAT! I like them..
(the nose is holding back a smile)
Salesman ‘I’m sorry, I just meant the smallest they come in is a 40’
Ok then. Thank you.’

I leave!
I don’t turn back!
I’m dying of embarrassment!

A minute later,, I laugh.. to myself.. that was funny..
I laugh louder..
Haaahaaa
I stop, I sit down..
Hands on my belly..
And I laugh! Like a mad woman!

I finally get up..
Barely breathing..
A hand helps me up!

THE NOSE!

I laugh even more..
He laughs too..
He says ‘enty majnoona?!’ (are u nutts?)
I stop laughing! I think ‘how rude! You don’t even know me’
Then..
I laugh again..
He says ‘9dg majnoona! Goomy la7ad yshoofna’ (u r crazy.. move before anyone sees us)
…………………………………………….

I get up,
I follow,
I realize the difference instantly..
He’s just older!
He actually CARES if anyone sees us!
This is weird..
This is wrong..
This is fun….



His name is FAZ..
……………………………………………..

TO BE CONTINUED..

An Insight...

Here is a story for you that will build up to the current affairs… I do hope u enjoy it..

“An insight into my Love-Life” (I think all the men will stop reading just about now) lol

WHEN I FELL INLOVE (with D):
…………………………………….

I was young, he was young, we fell in love.
We met on the streets of Paris.
He gave me a rose.
He wished me a happy birthday..
My virgin heart was.. oh so high..

We took long walks by the river..
Under the bridges..
In the little French restaurants..
Pain au chocolat in the early Parisian mornings..
It was magical..

On a cool September night..
I snuck out of the hotel at 1.00 a.m.
A dark sky with melting jewels above..
Keeping me safe from the light.
No one should know..
No one should hear..
No one should see..
My heart pounding..
Love
Fear
Excitement

I said “I came, I’m scared, what’s going on?”
He held my trembling fingers in his hands
He said “do you love me?”
….
…..
……..
I was speechless..
……
……
…..
He said “don’t tell me what I want to hear.. just tell me the truth. Please”
“the truth?” I thought to myself.. “what is the truth?”
I said “I do not know if I love you”
His smile faded..
I went on “because I am not sure what love is, but I can tell you how I feel..”
His eyes were shining again.. I was drowning..
In his eyes, they were pulling me down..
“please tell me” he said,,
I could think of no way to express my feelings so,
I said “I used to wake up, because people have to wake up. But now, I wake up
To relive the dreams I had the night before… with you.. is that love?”
He smiled.. “tell me more” he said
I smiled back at him, and said..
“I used to smile because I was happy, now I am happy, because I make you smile..
is that love?”
He held me closer “tell me more, tell me more”
Me: “when I think of you I cry”
Him: “I don’t want to make you cry”
Me: “but my tears are sweet when they are for you”
Him: “Do you LOVE me?”
Me: “is that love?”
Him: “Do you love me” holding me tighter by the shoulders
Me: red in the cheeks.. “I don’t know”
He placed his finger below my chin, lifted my face, and kissed me..

I was dizzy,
I was high,
I wanted more,
I was too shy..
Too young for these feelings..
To weak for this love..

He asked again, “do you LOVE me?”
Me: “I love you”

He screamed,
He jumped,
He laughed out LOUD,
He held me again,
He kissed me again,

He told me we would always be together no matter what.

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

We were together for two years.
We had our ups and downs..
Towards the end of the second year..
We had more downs than ups..

That is when, I met
FAZ..
…………………………………………………………………………………………….

I am really tired, I’ll have to tell you the rest of the story in my next post..
Please stay tuned..

To Be continued..