My Little Secret ;)

confused

2006-12-19T13:56:00.000+03:00

Hello,
I’ve been under the weather lately,
It’s just too god damn cold!
I can’t exactly wear a huge jacket under my Abaya!
So yeah, I’ve been sick : (
Here is what happened next
………………………………….

It was raining outside..
I was on the way to the airport to meet my fiancé
He is only passing by for a few days
Just to check up on me
While I finish my pre-wedding shopping

My father would think this was against our traditions
And that he should not have come!
Thankfully my mother said she would help me keep the secret!!

Almost there…
I search my bag for my lip gloss
Fiddling around in my bag I find a business card
Wow! It just slipped my mind
Did I forget?
It was only a week ago when I saw him
And he saw my ring!
Why did he give me his number?
Why find it now?
I put I in the pocket of my bag
And decide to put HIM in a pocket in my head
And only to think of the lovely man I’m going to meet in the airport..
Yes, the one I will spend the rest of my life with

My fiancé arrives
I basically jump on him
We go to his hotel
I wait in the lobby while he drops his bas off
(As it would be un-heard of for me to go to his room)
We go out for lunch..
We spend an amazing 4 days together,
My mother joins us sometimes
But all in all, we have a great time..

The thing is, I do not tell him what happened with Mr. X..
I just keep him and his number in my pocket!
He does jump out on my sometimes..
Just a quick thought passing in my head
A quick,, what if? Why not?
But I put them all to rest
And try to forget about them

My fiancé goes back home a few days later
I go back to my routine
I’m sick of shopping
I’m sick of the cold
I’m sick!
And I’m sick of Mr. X passing through my thoughts as if he had a right to do so!

I feel violated!
…………………………………………………..
It’s been a month..
The thought of calling him does not pass through my head
But the thought of him just becomes more dominant
The count down to my wedding has begun
If I have doubts, does this mean this is the biggest mistake of my life?
Or if I did not have doubts would that mean I was a complete imbecile?

I’m so confused
Not about my fiancé.. I love him!
But I have a feeling there is something I should do
I need closure
But how?!

Could it be?

2006-12-09T07:37:00.000+03:00

Hello

Well, my life is very boring these days
So I decided to borrow a friend’s story and make it my own
Sad? I know..
……………….

It was a frosty morning
The wind that tickled my nose was not friendly
Regardless of the sun that tried its best to shine
But sometimes you try
As hard as u can
Yet you fail
I want to tell the sun I understand
How hard it is to shine
Sometimes
…………..
The park was almost empty
Except for that man on his bicycle
The woman stretching
And the dog running endlessly
Towards..
Oh I don’t know where the dog was going
He probably didn’t either
But the freedom was just too much to resist
…………
Lost in my thoughts
My eyes shift towards a man
I stop
He stops
No it can’t be him
My heart goes numb
For a while that felt like forever
How long?
When?
Am I still there?
In the twinkle in his eyes
I try to find myself
Without a word
We approach each other
I can’t see myself

I stop
He stops

I try to look back
I need to escape this feeling
………………

I remembered a day when I begged

‘For you.. the end of my tears
The end of my poetry
For you.. I grant
The end of my fears

Bestowed upon a star
A love so complex
Now too far
Too far for it to show
Too far for u too feel
Too weak to glow

You have absorbed me
My thoughts
My love
My feelings
My glee
You have somehow
Become a part of me

Grant me my freedom
Beg me not to stay
Give me the strength
To turn away’
…………

He asked me if this could be true?
After all these years
We hug
He holds my hand
And lifts it up
Just to find the engagement ring!

PERDU

2006-11-30T18:29:00.000+03:00

Sometimes you wake up just
full of the morning
You just want to jump up
And start your life

Other times you just don’t
want to move
You close your eyes
Holding on to that thin
string of darkness
Praying.. just hoping that
you can go back to that dream
The one where your heart wasn’t
aching
Where your stomach wasn’t
winding
Where you could just
BREATHE

I am going nowhere with my
life
Stuck on a side walk
With a burning feeling inside
So strong it could just melt
the ground
And trap your feet just there

A new job.. yes
But my dreams are still old
Still not fulfilled
And not on the way to be

I am stuck
Stuck I say
In a single moment
Where it stopped
My life
My hope
My dream
……………………

I am sorry I have been gone
so long
Let’s just say
My muse was just
Asleep

Take care my friends

he does not know

2006-09-18T06:30:00.000+03:00

She writes to him
Though he cannot read
Too blind to see
Who he wants to be

She sings to him
Though he cannot hear
For that she vowed
To shed more tears

She dances to his tune
A tune of love
That dies too soon

He lifts her up into the sky
Then leaves her there
To watch over him
He does not know
How high she goes
With just a word
Or a single rose

She holds her life
In the palm of her hand
She tells him she has a gift
For him to keep
By his side
She says it is big
She says it is wide
Yet next to him
It is small enough to fit
The palm of his hand
Hoping that one day
He will understand

She is a poet
Without the song
She is a poet
A poet for too long
Too small for time
Too small for the world
To turn and smile
To stop the clock
And listen.. for a while

She tells her story
She writes a book
She is the one
That he should see
He is the one
Who dares not to look!

Love is in the AIR :)

2006-09-11T08:07:00.000+03:00

AAAAAAAAhhhhhhh.. i just LOVE him!!!!

so PEOPLE OF THE BLOG WORLD.. how have u all been?!!

i hope u have all been having a great time.. aaaaas 4 meeee :))))

well.. things didnt quite go as planned (none-the-lesssss, it has been amazing).. my dear boy friend decided to ***SURPRISE*** me and arrive earlier that planned.. therefore, his place was ,, umm,, well,, A MESS!!! lol BUT, being the sweet heart he is, he appreciated everything i was doing (be it half way) he still thanked me for three days!!

picture this:
i'm on the floor, with piles and piles of books and papers scattered all around the room.. trying to decide what to put where.. plates in the dishwasher, bags full of goodies all over the place.. a canvas with a picture of him in his fav football shirt on the floor with sticky tape and a frame, and me trying to fit it in (since the place APPPARANTLY do not frame the pics for u!!!!!) my hair was in some sort of "pony tale" shall we say.. ALL OF A SUDDEN.. i hear keys in the door,, so i start to freak out.. i didnt realise they were keys at first, i thought someone was trying to break in!!! so i jump up, and decide to hide (since i'm just a scardy cat!!!!) i freeze in my place as the door pops open,, and there he is :)

needless to say, he was just as freaked as i was!!! we were both screaming (shock-joy-surprise) types of screams.. about 5 seconds later i just jumped on him.. i explained my "new look" and we just laughed.. he helped me clean up the place,, and do what i was there to do.. we jumped into the shower (Dont get excited i showered first then him :p) got dressed up, and went out for dinner.. passed by the grocery store at 1.00 am after our after-dinner walk around london.. we went back to his place, and stayed up ALLL night.. it wasn't perfect in the sense that everything went wrong.. but to me,, it was even better than that!!

I DIDNT REALISE HOW MUCH I MISSED HIM!!!

we've been having a 'wicked' british time!! going to all sorts of places.. all the old markets, walks by the river, the parks, the river boats, the shops and the best isolated clubs! it's been grand..

now here's the thing.. my mum and dad r going back to Saudi on the 17th.. my baby is going to Paris for three days on the 13th.. and he wants me to go with him.. OBVIOUSLYYY, i can NOT tell my parents.. so i'm trying to make up a story.. i neeeeeed them to let me go.. its our anniversary soon, and he wants us to celebrate there! so i was thinking.. shall i say something work related?! but then they might say "ur work just SUDDENLY came up?" or shall i say going to c a friend (HAAA!!! as ifff THAT would work!!!!).. if worse comes to worse.. i'll ask them if i can sleep over at my friends place and just go for a day without them knowing.. but how RISKY is THAT?!!!!

aaaaaaah.. I WANT TO GOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! pray for me!!!

intermission

2006-08-29T07:00:00.000+03:00

I love you more than I can handle
I need you more than I can bare
I have given you all that I can give
I have completely fallen for you
For the first time EVER
I am not afraid of reaching the bottom
Finally,
I believe..
Finally,
I trust..
Finally,
I know that I never will
………………………..

hello my friends,
I have many un-finished posts about my story..
I have come to the conclusion, that in order to proceed with it, I need a break for a while. Plz don’t kill me for not posting part six, its just that I can’t get into the mood I was in be4.. rest assured, I WILL post the rest of my story up till now, but not in this post, not right now.. I hope u understand..

………………………………………………………………

Well, I am finally in London (once again) .. the number of Abaya’s has gone down (thank God) plz don’t start a religious argument because that is NOT what I mean, I’m not talking about people covering up for religious reasons, I’m talking about the Arab bimbos who go around walking in black cloths trying to pick up men (sickening).. They invade the UK every July up to August, but they have gone down in numbers this time.. I just HATE them!!! Augh!!!

Back to the point! My beloved is coming to London in a few days I am soooo excited!!! I have a few things I need and I mean NEED to do be4 he comes I wont go into details but lets just say it involves eye brows, upper lip, legs etc etc.. u know the painful stuff girls go through and men don’t appreciate :-p

Oh I almost forgot the tanning bed! I neeeeed a tan!!!!

Other than preparing myself, I need to prepare his apartment, well I don’t NEED to I want to ☺

So I was thinking:
*flowers
*groceries
*toiletries
*a new picture of me in a frame next to his bed :-p
*a few home accessories..

u know, I just want the apartment to look a bit different when he comes, new somehow! And fresh,, yes fresh! (if u have any ideas plz feel free to share) especially if ur a guy, plz tell me what u would love ur girlfriend to surprise u with.. and be4 u ask, I have the keys to his place, and no he doesn’t mind me playing around with the place, he enjoys it when I do that.. so plz leave ur suggestions..

maybe I’ll have this playing in the background when he comes in :-p

“Baby tonight is just your night  And I will do you right  Just make a wish on your night  Anything that you ask  I will give you the love of your life.” Boyz II Men

………………………………………………………………

I really don’t want to jinx this. but this is the best time of my life (mashallah mashallah) after a few years, a relationship may begin to seem (boring) but now as our seventh anniversary is approaching, seems we are doing pretty good.. I hope it stays this way,, its been so long since I have felt butterflies in my tummy when I hear his voice! Oh I just LOVE him!!! Ok ok enough..
……………………………………………………………..

ok then people, I need to prepare a shopping list, so please leave ALL ur suggestions.. I only have a few days to prepare..

thank u all in advance ☺
much obliged mate <---as they would say in the GREAT UK!

An Insight (part Five) [click for part 4]

2006-08-15T07:54:00.000+03:00

John Sheffield once said “'Tis the most tender part of love, each other to forgive.”
………………………………………………………………

He has given me a gift
Greater than the world
Greater than his pride
Greater than my sins

He has given me a book
I lost long ago
Pages of happiness
Written on dusty cards
On a birthday
Once upon a time

He has given me an oath
Forever to remain
The boy I fell in love with
In Paris
…………………………..

I will not lie
Nor will I claim
That smiles where all
That filled our days

The rain came
From time to time
Black thunderstorms
May have passed us by
But in the end
They passed

And day by day
The guilt
The fear
The jealousy
The black of it all
Was being washed away
By the rain
……………………………
He held my hand
The way he used to
He kissed my forehead
That has missed him so

A love once neglected
Has also forgiven us both
We vowed never to lie again
……………………………….

[A change of weather?!]

A QUOTE:
...............

Truly, to tell lies is not honorable;
but when the truth entails tremendous ruin,
To speak dishonorably is pardonable.
Sophocles, Creusa
Greek tragic dramatist (496 BC - 406 BC)
……………………………………………………

A QUESTION:
....................

Is lying addictive?
Or is FAZ?!!!!

more to come..

An Insight (part four) [click here for part 3 &1/2]

2006-08-09T07:11:00.000+03:00

Hello everyone!!!

I am very sorry for pulling the disappearance act on all of u.. but I am BACK! I hope u have not given up on my blog.. this one is for Alice! Who reminded me that laziness was not an excuse..

Without further ado, PART FOUR.
………………………………………………………………………

“It's choice - not chance - that determines your destiny.”
Jean Nidetch
………………………………………………………………….
‘D’ FINDS OUT:
…………………
He knows..
I feel it
My friends warned me..
I knew this would happen..

He asks me: “are you hiding something?”
Me: “no!”
Him: “you can tell me anything you know!”
Me: “I know! There is nothing to tell”

I’m scared..
I tell FAZ not to call..
I tell him to wait for MY call..
……………………………….
From a previous post:

‘I Lied
I'm not quite sure if it was to save ur feelings
or mine..
It doesn’t matter. I Lied!’
………………….......
He tells me to trust him
I do
I decide to tell him
Who I really am
What I really did
I decide to tell him the truth..

He is quiet
He drops the phone
I call back
Again
Again
And again
No answer
No response

I call his best friend
He tells me he is driving ‘D’ home
He doesn’t know what’s wrong!
He doesn’t know y ‘D’ is in shock..

Instantly, I wish I hadn’t said anything at all!!

I call him all night
I can’t believe I’m loosing him!
I can’t bare the thought of loosing
The boy I fell in love with
In Paris!
…………………………………..
ME:
‘A hole in my heart
Where you used to be
Don’t leave so fast
It’s killing me

Please understand!
You said that you could
Don’t pull away your hand
You said you never would!

I was broken
I was weak
This pain is too much
This loss is too great
I can barely speak

Mend me please
This pain HE cannot ease!
It is you that I need!
It is you that I want!
It is you that I lost!

I’m sorry!’
………………………………….
HIM:
‘My angel has sinned!
How am I to believe again?
My angel has sinned!
How r the stars to shine again?
My angel has sinned!
How am I to believe?
Tell me my ‘angel’
How am I to believe?’
………………………………….
ME:
‘Forgive me this time..
I am only a girl
I needed love
I needed a friend
I needed a boyfriend
I needed a hand to protect mine
I just needed..
The boy I fell in love with
In Paris’
………………………………….
Little streams
Burning my cheeks
Great balls of fire
Inside of me
Melting me
Bit by bit
Destroying me

A need for you
I almost forgot
A love so strong
A love u taught
U were so gentle
Now u r rough
U were so sweet
U were so kind
Now u r always
Preoccupied..
…………………………………
He looks at me
Long and hard
Into my eyes
As if looking for something he lost
My heart trembles
My hand reaches out to his face
He turns away
He walks away
I break down
I cry
Head in my hands
Shaking
Just a little broken girl..
Alone.. once again..

He cries out!
He screams
From a distance
His voice pulls me up
I run outside

He is on the floor
I do not step closer
I am too afraid
He screams again
His words barely comprehendible
“WHYYYYYYYYY?”

He turns around
His face flushed
Wet with tears!
He is crying
He is just a boy
Once again..

He comes closer
And asks again
Only this time
He is whispering

Him: ‘why?’
Me: ‘I am sorry’
Him: ‘why did I do this to you?.. my angel.. my love.. why did I push u away?’
Me: in shock,, not a word!

Holding my hands, he kisses them,, he says HE is sorry.. he says He was wrong.. he says he didn’t appreciate me.. the way an angel should be appreciated!

Him: ‘I will change, I am only a boy, in love, with a girl.. I did not know how to treat, I do not deserve u! u have been there for me all the way,, I do not deserve u.. I will ask u this.. if u refuse, I will NEVER be whole again..
WILL U TAKE ME BACK?’
Me: ‘I would give the world away, if u would have ME back!’

He places his head in my lap..
We weep!
…………………………………

As this part was longer than I expected.. I will continue tomorrow.. this happened last year.. It is still hard to write about.. please leave ur comments and be as honest as u can.. I would like to improve my weaknesses.. this is as much for me, as it is for u..

thank you all :)

An Insight (part three and 1/2) [click for part 3]

2006-08-04T05:13:00.000+03:00

Hello my friends.

In response to your comments I will not post part FOUR just yet. It is still in the making, but I have decided, that a few lines describing three years is unjust. So in this post, I will speak about the ‘lost years’.. I hope that u will enjoy this. And more importantly PLEASE do NOT judge me. I have received the punishments for the bad I have done.. TRUST ME..
…………………………………………………………
The Lost Years:
……………….

‘D’
….
I hold his hand
I shed a tear
I start to talk
He does not hear

I need some love
I need some love
I beg I beg
For just some love

He turns to me
Looks into my eyes
Gives me a kiss
Then leaves..
Back to the guys!

I search and search
For the boy in Paris
Whom I loved

I miss him so…..
………………….

I cry
Inside.. I die..
He does not care..
Anymore..
………………….

‘FAZ’
……..
I turn to him
He knows I’m broken
He knows I bleed
He knows how hard
It is to need..

He holds my hand
He wipes my tears
He tells me no one
Is worth my tears!
He tells me no one
Is worth the fears!
He tells me he will ALWAYS be
No matter what
There for me..

I say I’m sorry
For all the times
He tried to reach me
When I was blind

I promises.. I will never do that to u again..
…………………………………………….

‘D’: “why do u not care anymore?”
Me: “It is u who does not care!”
‘D’: “I have always loved u, u know that!”
Me: “Actually, I don’t”
‘D’: “I am sorry my love.. u feel this way.. I love u.. I’m sorry.. that’s all I can say”
Me: “Promise me u will not leave anymore..
Promise me u will not break me anymore..
My heart will not always be mended”

He cries
I cry
We promise to be together ALWAYS..
……………………………………………….

‘FAZ’
………
I tell him I do not deserve someone like him
I tell him I am a bad person
I pray to God he will find a better person..

He does not argue
I do not give him a reason
He understands
He moves away
But tells me
He will always be there!
……………………………………………….
……………………………………………….
Getting To Know ‘D’ and ‘FAZ’:
…………………………………..
‘D’:
……
A hard working (boy)
With a hard life
His parents have always favored his brother over him
His mother says he will fail
His father says.. Nothing to him!

He cries..
They do not know!
He tries..
He does not show!

He wants to love
He wants to be loved
He wants to be rich
He wants to be a doctor
He wants to buy a car
He wants to be strong
He wants to get his degree
He asks nothing of no one
And no one can see..
…………………………….

‘FAZ’:
………
A (man) who has it easy
A man with all he needs
Money
Cars
And a loving family

He does not cry
He does not try
[He does not need to]

He wants to have fun
He wants a new car
He wants to speak English
He wants to go shopping in Milan
He asks nothing of no one
[He does not need to]
……………………………….
……………………………….

ME:
……
(from a previous post)

‘Through the pain I smile

Only for your eyes

Only for you..

The one who causes the pain’
………………………………………….
I do not feel the need for FAZ when ‘D’ is on my side..
When I am alone, I run to FAZ and hide..

He heals my pain..
With his careless life
He tells me not to worry
There is no need to worry

He says I am an angel
He says I am a dream

He says that no one (D)
Is really who they seem

He says I am worth more
He says I am unique
His words I adore
They make me believe!
………………………………….
I am horrible to FAZ sometimes..
But..
He is ALWAYS there!
…………………………………..

I hope this gives you a clearer picture of how I was living a double life..
It is a terrible thing to do by the way..
In the end,, I hurt FAZ, I hurt ‘D’..
And I have ALWAYS been hurting myself..
………………………………………………………………

An Insight (part three) [click for part 2]

2006-08-03T04:06:00.000+03:00

"We desire nothing so much as what we ought not to have." 
Publilius Syrus (~100 BC)
…………………………………………………………………………………………………

A CONTINUATION:
…………………………..

We walk out of sight
We ‘hide’
He tells me his name is FAZ
I tell him my name
He gives me his number
I tell him I might not call
He tells me to keep it incase I change my mind..

We part
I don’t call
I don’t see him again
I go back to Saudi
I have to go to school!
…………………………………..

IN NEED FOR MY FRIENDS:
……………………………………….
I tell them he is cold.
They tell me our story is just..
Too old!
But I love him..
They say it is not true..
The say he is a custom
I have become used to..

I disagree
I will not give up..
On love..
I will not give up..
On ‘D’

My friends and I go out for ‘coffee’
(In Riyadh this means, we go to a coffee shop on Tahleya street, wait in the car.. while the waiter brings our orders to us.. then we drive around)

‘Coffee Time’ it is!
……………………………..

A TIME OF COINCIDENCE:
…………………………….

As is the custom in Riyadh.. boys’ cars wait by girls’ cars,, and they stare at each other..
If there is a ‘click’ (I’m still not sure what these clicks r based on in Saudi)
He may hold up his number
She stores it on her phone
They have a ‘phone relationship’.

Now these types of relationships are what me and ‘D’ always laughed about..
We knew a couple who had been ‘together’ for a whole year before they even knew what their partners looked like..
‘D’ thought that was absurd..
I agreed..
At the time!
………………..

We check out the boys
They check us out too!

‘Y does that guy have a stick up his ass?’ asks my friend
‘What guy?’ I say
‘The one in the black car’ she says

I look over..
THE NOSE!

I scream,
I jump,
I explain to my friend..

FAZ simply looks over and disappears
I’m disappointed

Maybe he didn’t recognize me…
Maybe he just didn’t care!

I part with my friends..
I’m on my way home..
I’m being WATCHED!
I look over, its him..
He is ‘following my car’!!!!

I get home, he leaves..
That’s it!

Eventually, this became a daily routine,,
He follows my car everyday from school..
But.. NOTHING..
…………………..
FEELING LONELY:
……………………….

‘D’ is always busy.
When he’s not
He is not in the mood
I tried
Lord knows I tried
He won’t change
I can’t change him..

I look for FAZ’s number desperately..
I can’t find it!
DAMN IT!!!!
…………….

The next day
He follows my car again
I pluck the courage to ask him
(Using sign language of course)
‘o ba3deen?’ (Now what?)
He laughs..
He looks down and scribbles
He holds up a piece of paper
With his number on it!

‘Am I going to become one of THOSE girls?
How else am I going to talk to him?
Maybe I shouldn’t talk to him!
But ‘D’ is being a complete JERK!’

I decide.
Tonight, I will call!
……………………

beeep.... beeeeep… beeeep..
bee…… ‘ALOO’
ok not the type of voice I was expecting!
But what the hell..
Just because he LOOKS manly
Doesn’t mean he has to SOUND manly

Me: ‘Aloo’
Him: ‘a5eeeeran!’ (Finally!)

We speak for a while..
He doesn’t really speak any English
He’s 4 years older than ‘D’
He comes from a very conservative family
He is NEW..
Not ‘D’
Not like me..
Just different..
……………………..

QUICK OVERVIEW (the next 3 years):
………………………………………….

FAZ is a friend
FAZ is a boyfriend
FAZ is a brother
FAZ is a best-friend
FAZ knows about ‘D’
‘D’ does not know about FAZ

Perdu and ‘D’ fight
Perdu calls FAZ
‘D’ says he’s sorry
Perdu tells FAZ she’s sorry
But they can not talk anymore
(the above takes place at least 5 times a year)

Perdu fights with ‘D’
FAZ is ALWAYS there!
………………………….

A few notes:

*FAZ is not an angel
*’D’ was very young at the time
*Perdu …. Very confused!
*FAZ thinks Perdu is an angel.. (he did then at least)
*Perdu thinks FAZ is an angel.. (I did then at least)
*Perdu lives a double life: .the perfect little conservative Saudi girl with FAZ.
.just herself with ‘D’.
*’D’ is in the dark!
……………………………………………

COMING UP:
*’D’ finds out
*FAZ disappears
*Life is great!
*Perdu complicates EVERYTHING.. once again..
stay tuned..
…………………………………………….

TO BE CONTINUED!

An Insight (part two) [click for part 1]

2006-08-02T04:53:00.000+03:00

**WARNING** long post!

Let me start this with a quote

“We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.”
Lynn Hall, Where Have All the Tigers Gone?, 1989
…………………………………………………………………………………..

First of all, I would like to make clear one point, as I was half asleep when I wrote the previous post. I realized I did not mention that “D” and I are still together. I just meant that the problems began towards the end of our second year together.

Now, lets check my poetry at the time. It gives me a clearer picture of what I was feeling.

“How I long for a time,
Where love was within..
Fighting to be set free..

How terrible is this time..
Where we are fighting..
To ignite love within..

Without success..
We fail..
Without shame..
We have forgotten how to love”

“GROWING APART”:
………………..............

Normally
You wake up..
Normally
You wash and dress
Normally
You go to school
Normally
You eat
You study
You sleep
Normally..

The routine has drowned the love..
Love has become, Normal..
How dangerous!
………………...

He said he would marry me.
How happy was I..
He said love would help us..
Look the world in the eye..

He said, he believed,
I heard, I believed..
How childish were our dreams..
How innocent was our love..

How tragic was the death of innocence
Maturity had blood on its hands!

………………….

Him “I am not ready for marriage”
Me “Nor I”
Him “Give me more time”
Me “You may have all the time you need”

It was too cold
Too too cold to bare

I needed warmth
Any warmth
I needed too feel…..
Wanted!
……………………

FEELING ‘WANTED’ AGAIN:
………………………………….

‘Who is that man?
He is older than my love..
He is not as handsome..
Yet he seems.. wiser..
He seems.. stronger..
I shouldn’t stare!’

I look away..
I try to occupy my thoughts
With something other than.. his nose!

‘Its quite.. umm.. BIG!
But manly..
I think I like it..
My friends would make fun of it..
But I think,, he’s kind of cute’

Aaaaaaugh,, STOP STARING!
Wait a minute..
He stares back.
He’s smiling..

‘What should I do?
I can’t believe I just said that..
I should look away of course!
I already have a man.. Who loves me’

I give him a call to reassure myself

Me: ‘hey, habeeby’
Him; ‘hey’
Me: ‘I miss you’
Him: ‘aha?’
Me: ‘oookay!’
Him: ‘TYPICAL! Now your going to get pissed off cuz I didn’t say I miss you too!’
Me: ‘chill! I don’t care if u don’t reply’
Him: ‘are there any guys in the coffee shop?’
Me: ‘umm YEAH! I’m not in Saudi you know’
Him; ‘are you wearing that stupid short skirt of yours that you LOVE?’
Me: ‘1-it’s not stupid
2- no I’m not, what’s wrong with you?’
Him: ‘I don’t understand why you go looking for a place packed with guys and decide to sit there trying to grab their attention!’
Me: ‘okay, I really don’t understand what your going on about, I’m NOT trying to grab anyone’s attention. I’m just having a cup of coffee with friends, and I just called to say I miss you’
Him: ‘whatever! I’m in the middle of something I’ll call you back’
Me: ‘ok then, love you!’
Him: ‘okay bye!’
………………………….

I feel sad..
I feel down..
A tear drops from me eye..
I look down so no one can see..
It tickles the tip of my nose..
I remember ‘the nose’
I look up..
He is gone!

…………………………..

Many fights with D..
Many unreturned calls..
Many ignored text messages..
Much lost time..
Much lost love..
Much too much!!

I go shopping..
(typical female behavior)

I walk into the men’s section, which will take me to that little coffee shop which no one likes.. but me..

I STOP!
I CRASH.. INTO AN IMAGINARY WALL!
MY LEGS..
MY HEART..
MY FACE!! It’s flushed!

There he is!! ‘HIDE!’

‘Wait a minute? Why should I hide?
What do I care?
Walk by, casually..
Don’t trip! Don’t trip!
OH! Suck the belly in..
One step.. two step..
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Just walk! U’ve been able to do it all by yourself since you were 2!’

‘What is he buying?!
Is that Gucci?
Haahaa ‘D’ would make so much fun of him..
He’d run straight to the T-shirts.. cute.. (smile)

Well,, to be fare, the suit looks kind of.. umm.. sexy..
I mean manly manly!
OH SHIT!
He saw me! Do something….

*clearing throat* excuse me sir! (to the salesman)
do u have these in a size 38?
Salesman ‘they are MEN’s shoes miss!’
I KNOW THAT! I like them..
(the nose is holding back a smile)
Salesman ‘I’m sorry, I just meant the smallest they come in is a 40’
Ok then. Thank you.’

I leave!
I don’t turn back!
I’m dying of embarrassment!

A minute later,, I laugh.. to myself.. that was funny..
I laugh louder..
Haaahaaa
I stop, I sit down..
Hands on my belly..
And I laugh! Like a mad woman!

I finally get up..
Barely breathing..
A hand helps me up!

THE NOSE!

I laugh even more..
He laughs too..
He says ‘enty majnoona?!’ (are u nutts?)
I stop laughing! I think ‘how rude! You don’t even know me’
Then..
I laugh again..
He says ‘9dg majnoona! Goomy la7ad yshoofna’ (u r crazy.. move before anyone sees us)
…………………………………………….

I get up,
I follow,
I realize the difference instantly..
He’s just older!
He actually CARES if anyone sees us!
This is weird..
This is wrong..
This is fun….

His name is FAZ..
……………………………………………..

TO BE CONTINUED..

An Insight...

2006-08-01T02:09:00.000+03:00

Here is a story for you that will build up to the current affairs… I do hope u enjoy it..

“An insight into my Love-Life” (I think all the men will stop reading just about now) lol

WHEN I FELL INLOVE (with D):
…………………………………….

I was young, he was young, we fell in love.
We met on the streets of Paris.
He gave me a rose.
He wished me a happy birthday..
My virgin heart was.. oh so high..

We took long walks by the river..
Under the bridges..
In the little French restaurants..
Pain au chocolat in the early Parisian mornings..
It was magical..

On a cool September night..
I snuck out of the hotel at 1.00 a.m.
A dark sky with melting jewels above..
Keeping me safe from the light.
No one should know..
No one should hear..
No one should see..
My heart pounding..
Love
Fear
Excitement

I said “I came, I’m scared, what’s going on?”
He held my trembling fingers in his hands
He said “do you love me?”
….
…..
……..
I was speechless..
……
……
…..
He said “don’t tell me what I want to hear.. just tell me the truth. Please”
“the truth?” I thought to myself.. “what is the truth?”
I said “I do not know if I love you”
His smile faded..
I went on “because I am not sure what love is, but I can tell you how I feel..”
His eyes were shining again.. I was drowning..
In his eyes, they were pulling me down..
“please tell me” he said,,
I could think of no way to express my feelings so,
I said “I used to wake up, because people have to wake up. But now, I wake up
To relive the dreams I had the night before… with you.. is that love?”
He smiled.. “tell me more” he said
I smiled back at him, and said..
“I used to smile because I was happy, now I am happy, because I make you smile..
is that love?”
He held me closer “tell me more, tell me more”
Me: “when I think of you I cry”
Him: “I don’t want to make you cry”
Me: “but my tears are sweet when they are for you”
Him: “Do you LOVE me?”
Me: “is that love?”
Him: “Do you love me” holding me tighter by the shoulders
Me: red in the cheeks.. “I don’t know”
He placed his finger below my chin, lifted my face, and kissed me..

I was dizzy,
I was high,
I wanted more,
I was too shy..
Too young for these feelings..
To weak for this love..

He asked again, “do you LOVE me?”
Me: “I love you”

He screamed,
He jumped,
He laughed out LOUD,
He held me again,
He kissed me again,

He told me we would always be together no matter what.

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

We were together for two years.
We had our ups and downs..
Towards the end of the second year..
We had more downs than ups..

That is when, I met
FAZ..
…………………………………………………………………………………………….

I am really tired, I’ll have to tell you the rest of the story in my next post..
Please stay tuned..

To Be continued..

!!!!!!

2006-07-31T04:49:00.000+03:00

HE CALLED!

What an A$$!!!!!!!!!!

i'll blog when i get over the shock!..

waiting.. hoping..

2006-07-30T09:13:00.000+03:00

I miss his call..

He misses my call..

I miss his call again!

He misses my call again!

i MISS him!

i sit..
i wait..
hoping not to miss another call..
hoping not to miss him anymore..

Just hoping For the best..

I will NOT be depressed!

2006-07-29T04:01:00.000+03:00

I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!

He refuses to answer my calls..

we r JUST friends, who cares?

I DO!!!

I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!

what did i do?
did i break the rules?
wait a minute.. our relationship does not HAVE any rules!

we r JUST friends!

a strange kind of friends.
we flirt,
we kiss,
we hug,
we love.... each other, and other people!

there are no strings attached.

we r JUST friends!

I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!

he stopped talking to me!
why?

no explanations!
so not like him!

I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!

i have never felt this way be4.

i'm not sure he ever meant anything to me.. be4!

y does he mean so much now?

we have always "ignored" each other for longer periods of time..
but it was always me who ignored him!

OH HOW HORRIBLE I FEEL..

did he feel this way when i did that to him?!

I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!

i miss him!
i need him!
i want him,, in everyway!

nothing to do,,
nothing to say..

except,

I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!
I will NOT be depressed!

I am ME

2006-07-27T05:25:00.000+03:00

I bleed I bleed
I cry I cry
In pain.. in vain
I bleed I bleed

A need for you
Yes you yes you
I bleed I bleed
So sad yet true

Not love
Not lust
Just tales
Full of dust

So old
So new
I bleed
Bleed for you

Love is strong
Or so they say
Guess they’re wrong
Didn’t make you stay

I bleed I bleed
I cry I cry
In pain.. in vain
I bleed I bleed

Don’t you just
Walk away
While I bleed
Walk away
While I cry
Walk away
While I scream
Just
Walk away

You said time
Wouldn’t kill
What we had
Up until
You saw
The real me

Not that girl
That you made
A dream that
One day
Would fade

I am me
I am me
Yes me
And just me

I bleed I bleed
I cry I cry
In pain.. in vain
I bleed I bleed

Why could you
Not love me?
Just for me
Yes me
Yes me

I don’t want to bleed
I bleed I bleed.

Yet they Still walk away

2006-07-25T05:11:00.000+03:00

Don’t cry for them
They have turned their backs on u

Don’t call for them
They have fingers in their ears
They have darkness in their hearts
They have blindfolds on their eyes

They say
Their hearts do break for u
Their souls do cry for u
Yet they still walk away

…………………………………………………….

Humans … They are
Children … They are
Lovers … They are
Sinners …
Criminals…
Saints…
Crooks…
Artists…
They are… they are… they are…

They say
Their hearts do break for u
Their souls do cry for u
Yet they still walk away

……………………………………………………..

You bleed
They say they do
They lie
They say it’s true

They say
Their hearts do break for u
Their souls do cry for u
Yet they still walk away

………………………………………………………

Oh Lebanon,

Turn your back on them
As they have on you

Save your tears
Abort your fears
The children of our time will cry for you

……………………………………………………….

They say
Their hearts do break for u
Their souls do cry for u
Yet they still walk away

……………………………………………………….

Teenage Love

2006-07-23T19:19:00.000+03:00

Hello everyone..

I saw the funniest thing last night and thought I would share it with you..

My friends and I had dinner at this amazing Indian restaurant. After that, a few of us decided to walk home to burn the calories.. As we were walking past some lovely little houses in my favorite part of town, we heard some giggling.. Being nosy Arabs, we decided to check what was going on.

So we find a teenaged girl (she couldn't have been older than 16) with half her body sticking out of her bedroom window.. On the outside stood a young boy of about the same age holding her hands helping her to climb out of the window. She was in her pajamas and he only had a pair of shorts on.

They were laughing so much, that we just stood there and laughed with them. She eventually fell out of her window ON him! They looked so funny, trying to keep each other quiet so that her parents wouldn't hear the noise.. They got up and ran towards us. u'd think we'd have the decency to at least PRETEND we weren't staring. But no.. We were stuck there just laughing with them..

The girl noticed us and said "hello". My hopelessly romantic friend had her hands on her heart then waved frantically at them "HELLO HELLO" she said.

Just as I was pulling my friends arm to give them their privacy, she decided to make conversation with them..

My friend: "oh,, u two are just adorable!"
they both laughed and said "thank u",, "did we make alot of noise?"
My friend: "no no, but the fall was pretty funny :-D hahaha"

I thought to myself "how embarrassing they know we were watching!!"

Me: "ok then u too, have fun, be careful.. Let's go!!"
My friend: "oh but wait a minute" she then turned to the young lovers and said "do ur parents not approve of ur relationship? Is that y u had to run away?"
The girl: "I wasn't running away!" haa haa haa " just sneaking out.. And my parents love him to bits, but they'd die if they knew what we are about to do.. haha"

The couple then looked at each other giggling and he gave her the sweetest kiss..
my friend ofcourse put her hand on her heart again and was about to hug them! I kept telling her in Arabic "la t9eereen galag 5alleehom yenbas6oon masakeen" (stop being a nuisance, and let the poor kids have fun)..

She finally gave in, and we said our good byes,, told then to be safe.. As we walked off,, she kept looking behind to see them,, then screamed "ENJOOOOOOOOOOY" .. Then under her breath "since WERE not getting any, u might as well" i could not stop laughing..

I thought they were the cutest things ever!
I just hope they didn't get caught..

NO-SMOKING!

2006-07-22T12:58:00.000+03:00

I fell asleep on the couch again! The air heavy with smoke (sheesha and cigarette smoke).. My dog jumped on my tummy and decided that is where he will nap! To nobody's surprise, woke up (2 hours later) barely breathing.
I decided:
1-quit smoking
2-shave Tofu (my dog)
3-obtain better sleeping patterns

all was good when I could finally breath again. I called T up and told her I've decided to stop smoking! That I was very proud of my decision, and that I would stick to it. 'GOOD FOR U PERDU, THAT'S A GREAT DECISION' she said.

I went back to my room, sipped on my coffee while reading "P.S. I love you". I suddenly thought 'I NEEEED A FAAAAAG!' -as in a cigarette not a gay man-. But I was strong. I didn't reach for my cigis in my bag.

Suddenly!! I felt a shooting pain in my right shoulder that went all the way down my arm. I couldn't move it. I stood up. I was going to faint. My head was so light. My right hand felt numb!

“THAT'S IT” I thought! I'm going to have a stroke. Everyone is out! I am going to die very slowly in my room, alone. No one will know because my door is locked. They won't find me till tomorrow morning, maybe noon. Maybe even evening!!!

The pain was UNBEARABLE!! I call a medical help-line (using my left hand) and explain my situation. They asked me to move my fingers (which thankfully I could do).

Nurse: 'oh good! Not a trapped nerve then'
Me: 'pain pain!!! Terrible pain... I think it's a stroke'
Nurse: 'haahaa.. Oh no my dear, its not. Now open the door'
Me: almost crying 'opened!'
Nurse: 'place ur right shoulder on the frame of the door'

A few more explanations as I wasn't at my smartest at that time.

Me: 'ok got it.. Now what?'
Nurse: 'walk forward!'
Me: 'WHAT? I CANT EVEN MOVE MY SHOULDER U WANT ME TO DISLOCATE IT?!!!'
Nurse: 'Do as I tell u, please, I promise it will only pinch a bit, but the pain will go'
Me: 'Besm ella allathy la ya'6orro ma3 ismihi shay2on fessamawaaty wala felar'6 wahowa samee3on 3aleem' <--Islamic prayer! and i walk.

I SCREAMED! The pain was getting worse, I dropped my phone, I was going to faint again.. But decided to walk again, only more forcefully.

I banged my shoulder on the frame! All I heard was CRAAAAACK!!! I thought shit!!! I broke something.. The pain wore off two seconds later, and I realised that I wasn't in pain anymore!! yaaaay!!

oooh the phone

Me: 'hello?'
Nurse: 'that was a loud scream!'
Me: 'sorry lol, I did it twice before it worked!'
Nurse: 'are u feeling better?'
Me: 'thank u thank u thank u'

OOOOH RELEIF! I’m not dying! Thank God!

My mum comes home. I explain everything (more dramatically ofcourse !!!) waiting for her to say 'my poooor baby, salamaaat'.

u'd think that's what she'd say right? nooooooo!

She goes: JAL6A!!! <---- stroke!! ofcourse ur going to get a jal6a!!! dogs, SMOKING like a chimney!, sleeping in the morning, waking up in the afternoon, eating junk! no excersise etc etc etc..

I was soooooo pissed offffff!!!! Then she said the WRONG thing at the WRONG time. 'I think u should quit Smoking! I am going to wake u up tomorrow at 8, we will go jogging, u are not to stay out past 10 o'clock anymore, and Tofu can stay in the basement!!'

I'M 23 YEARS OLD!!!! WTF???? IM ON VACATION!! aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! AND MY DOG WILL NOT STAY IN A BASEMENT!!!

So I run up to my room, lock the door, put the music on, pick up my book, and....

Light a cigarette,, aaaaaah,, that feels goooood!

So much for the no-smoking business!!!

FOR F.

2006-07-22T10:05:00.000+03:00

For F…
The unreal reality
………………….

In your eyes..
I see a glimpse of a life I have forgotten..
I see a beginning,
A child’s laugh,
And poetry..

They take me back..
Back to a time of dreams that I loved
Dreams of a meeting.. By chance
On the crowded streets of my life..

A picture
A word
Love..
Without intentions
Without warnings
That came to life..

A painting in your eyes
With stories.. Of all that has passed

Don’t look away
Don’t turn your back
Your eyes have more to say

The secrets within them
Have yet to be released
A Thirst within my soul
Has yet to be quenched..

In your eyes,
All that has happened,
All that will happen,,
Yet only a glimpse..

You turn around.
You walk away.

My gaze remains fixed.. on you..

You disappear into the crowded streets of my life..
Oh how I long for emptiness sometimes..

TAGGED

2006-07-21T09:14:00.000+03:00

TAGGED BY FEDO :)

Best:
1. Male friend: Faz
2. Female friend: T
3. Vacation: any trip with my friends

Worst:
1. Time of day: anything before 9 a.m.
2. Day of the week: Monday
3. Color crayon: Pink

Last:
1. Person you talked to that goes/went to your school: misho
2. Talked to on the phone: Faz
3. Text: also faz
4. Person you instant messaged: oh my god!! FAZZZZ!!! Is this normal?!

Today:
1. What are you doing now: being tagged!! Also, eating spaghetti
2. Wearing: black shorts, black tank-top

Tomorrow:
1. Is: Saturday
2. Got any plans: try not to sleep till Sunday!
3. Goal: Go to the apple store!
4. Dislikes about tomorrow: that I’m not going to sleep!

Favorite:
1. Number: Six
2. Song: Both Hands (Ani Difranco)
3. Color: BLUE

Currently:
1. Missing Someone: T
2. Mood: serene
3. Wanting: to sleep

True/False:
I am a cuddler: very True.
I am a morning person: hmmm,, not really
I am a perfectionist: depends on what I am doing, meaning: I am not lol
I am an only child: False.
I am currently in my pajamas: this is what I wear to sleep, but they r not supposed to be pajamas
I am currently pregnant: hope not lol
I am currently suffering from a broken heart: no,, just a confused one
I am left handed: False.
I am addicted to Blogging: I just started,, but maybe I am beginnng to be..
I am online 24/7: how sad.. no
I am very shy around the opposite gender: nope
I can be paranoid at times: depends.. who’s watching? :-p
I currently have a crush on someone: crush? no
I currently regret something that I have done: don’t we all?
I enjoy country music: noo noooo,, plz noo
I enjoy smoothies: yeah
I enjoy talking on the phone: very True.
I have a hard time paying attention at school/work: im ok
I have a hidden talent: if u only knew..
I have a lot to learn: everyone does!
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal: many ☹

Anger:
1. Are you currently mad at someone? I’m never mad for more than 10 mins
2. Which of your friends has the worst temper? Me lol
3. Have you ever thrown something at anyone? Yup lol
4. Ever had something thrown at you? uuuhu
5. When you’re mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell and scream? Yell at the top of my lungs, unless I’m pissed at mum, THEN I stare lol

Excitement:
1. Has anyone ever thrown you a surprise party for you? Yeah ;)
2. Are you easily excited? Think so
3. What are you most excited about? the road trip im taking with my friends in September.
4. If you won a million dollars what would be your first thought? Off to buy my new blue Bugatti
5. If you could have anything right now what would it be? I’d like the confusion to end! Is that an appropriate answer?

Self-Discovery:
1. Name: let’s leave it at Perdu
2. Where were you born? King Faisal Hospital, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
3. What’s your main goal in life? To do something with it!
4. How do you want to die? In a way which would make me worthy of meeting my creator

Opinions:
1. Sex before marriage? Not for it
2. Gay Marriage? whatever
3. Lower the Drinking age? Doesn’t concern me
4. Recycling? Ofcourse!

Dreams:
1. What was your latest dream?that I married s3ood!!!
2. Have any of your dreams come true? Not that one thankfully.
3. What was the weirdest dream you’ve ever had? It involved a bathtub and.. umm,, I won’t elaborate lol

Love-Life:
1. Straight, Gay, Bi? Straight.
2. Do you have a bf/gf? Yes. A boyfriend that is.
3. Do you have a crush? Nope.

How many beds did you lay in yesterday? My tiny single bed!
What color shirt are you wearing? black
Name one thing that you do everyday? smoke
What color are your walls? Cream.
How much cash do you have on you right now? 25 pounds and 100 riyals
I can’t wait till? I go to sleep :p
When was the last time you saw your dad? June
What did you have for dinner last night? Japanese
What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone? My mum’s shoes
What website(s) do you visit the most during the day? www.saudisecret.blogspot.com :-p aol/gmail/hotmail
Does anything hurt on your body right now? My foot ☹ I fell down the stairs! Clumsy!

Have You Ever:
1. Have you ever failed a class? At uni yes ☹
2. Have you ever sung in front of a crowd? Yes lol
3. Have you ever not taken a shower for 3 days? Yuck!
4. Have you ever slept with a night light? I prefer the dark
5. Have you ever danced in the rain? I always dance
6. Have you ever lied? Refer to my first post!
7. Have you ever had contacts? Oh my god, my contacts just popped out as I was reading this!! Ok I DO get excited easily
8. Have you ever tripped over something stupid? My dog! Poor thing

Pick One:
1. Samosa, Pakora, Kebab: can I say none?
2. Bollywood, Lollywood, Hollywood: Hollywood
3. Love marriage, Arranged marriage: Love marriage! Its not 1818 by the way
4. Honeymoon, no moon: a honeymoon once a year
5. How many kids would u like 1,2, 3+: more than 3 inshallah
6. Kulfi, Ice cream: I echo Fedo, WTF is Kulfi?
7. Shah ruk khan, Orlando Bloom: loooooooool u can’t be serious
8. Meenar-e-Pakistan, Eiffel Tower: haaaaahaaaaaaahaaaaaaa LMAO
9. Lahore, Khi, Islambad: ok ok I cant! This has to stop haaahaaaaa

I TAG

blushful®
doomy lata chocolata
farooha
mysterious
jo
wastedalwayz
saif
blackorchid
a daydreamer
ahmed
abdulla
aoi_chokoreto
ok I think that’s everyone who has ever commented on my page ☺

THANX FEDO!

2006-07-20T23:02:00.000+03:00

I am writing this to thank FEDO! the nicest person on earth :)

He e-mailed me this cool pic for my profile.. thank you so much :)

xoxoxo

How does it feel?

2006-07-19T21:20:00.000+03:00

The darkness that swallowed the sun..
It’s back
It will take sleepy eyes on board its ship
Only deprived lovers will be left ashore…

Tick.. tock.. tick.. tock..

The darkness has sailed..
It has left my eyes behind
Once again..
Another sleepless night without you!

Tell me my love..
What is a dream like?
How does it feel.. not to feel?

Does your heart not burn you… like mine?
Does your breath not choke you… like mine?

Tick.. tock.. tick.. tock

The ship of darkness.. it’s coming back
Young rays of light have been born again
I can hear their laughter
I can feel their innocence

I wait at the port of morning
Flowers in my hands
A burning love in my heart
I wait to greet the morning
I wait to greet my love

I wait to ask him..
Tell me my love.. how did it feel?
How did it feel.. not to feel??

HOW DARE SHE?!

2006-07-19T05:17:00.000+03:00

So I was having my usual grape sheesha today at this nice little Lebanese restaurant, when the lady on the table next to me suddenly said:

Her: ‘where r u from?’

Me: ‘Saudi Arabia ☺ (biiig smile) and u?’

Her: ‘hmmm’ (with some sort of snort) ‘I am from Saudi Arabia! Do u have the nationality?’

Me: ?!?!?!

Her: ‘because u don’t look Saudi’

Me: ‘actually, I look like a typical Saudi, black hair, black eyes, I couldn’t be anything but’ with another big smile, cuz she was scaring me lol

Her: ‘no not looks wise, u r DRINKING sheesha!’ (do ppl drink sheesha?!!) ‘and no Saudi girl will drink sheesha, it is haraam!’

Me: (thinking, she cannot be serious) ‘have u ever been to Jeddah by any chance?’ with a haha laugh trying not to be rude! ‘u can have sheesha wherever u go there’

Her: they r not Saudis!!!

Me: HOW DARE SHE?!!! ‘what do u mean they r not Saudis?? Where r they from??’

Her: ‘only people from NAJD r truly Saudi!’

Me: FUCK YOU! What I really said was ‘I am sorry to see people from my country who have this mentality, it makes me very sad, the Prophet PBUH was from Hijaaz, that is enough to make them proud’

She then turned her head away from me, and told her sister or friend or whoever the hell she is, “she probably drinks alcohol too!!!!!”

I went MAD!!
I screamed my head off (not literally) .. but I did not shut up for about 10 minutes, saying things that probably don’t make sense like: ‘just because I have sheesha it doesn’t mean I drink…….. even if I did drink its none of ur god damn business……. My parents know I have sheesha and they r fine with it…….. u Najdi people make me sick (then I remembered I was from Najd lol)……. It is because of people like u we have terrorism….etc’

I don’t understand! I really don’t.. how does she feel she has the right to lecture me??? She doesn’t even know me.. my sister said I was being too polite I should have slapped her! But that’s a bit too much haha.. (I didn’t want to pull an Israel,, political joke) but really,
1st. she tells me it is haraam
2nd. Ppl from Jeddah r not Saudi
3rd. I’M probably not Saudi
4th. I must drink if I have sheesha!
the conversation only lasted a few moments, I got accused of a million things, by a woman I don’t even know.
WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously man!!!

NOW, heeere comes the worst part. Her son joins their table after the whoooole argument is over. And guess what he does?!!!!

HE ORDERS A SHEEESHA!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-18T13:27:00.000+03:00

Hello, to whom ever decides to listen to my mumbo jumbo :)

welcome to my little secret. I need to get so much off my chest, what a perfect place to do just the thing. I wil try not to bore u all.. This blog is for anyone who has ever given meaning to my heart beats. i Love u all..

I will leave you with this:

I Lied
I'm not quite sure if it was to save ur feelings
or mine..
It doesnt matter. I Lied!

I feel horrible when i lie to you.
It just came out. i swear
you asked me if that poem was written for you?
you expected me to answer on the spot!
what could i have said?

I HATE that smell
It reminds me of the perfume i had on
when i looked you in the eyes
and without a hint of hesitation
I Lied.

I love you
i really do
but he's pushing his way into my heart
a heart you have occupied for..
oh.. so long
He knows your there!
YOUR the one who cant see HIM!

he doesnt care.
he still comes in, makes himself at home
oh i HATE that i am the one who invited him in the first place
i dont want him here.. anymore
He's taking over!

I only write about him,
i sing about him,
i only think about him.
Even when i'm with you,
i whisper his name to myself

I WANT YOU BACK!
i don't want him!
i don't want to lie anymore.
I'm sory i lied :(
Please HELP ME!